Dear Ms Lai, if you are reading this now, please beware the language issues and political-religious midgewater. We were supposed to clean up our blogs before they went public, but this needed to be honest.I’ve always, always, HATED puppets.
Even now as I declare it I half harbour a superstitious fear that they will hear, and they will revenge. But the fear stays between my heart and my stomach, somewhere in my gall bladder, simmering in yellow juice until it is ejected away with the urea and the saccharine.
When I was small I must confess that I wanted a doll very badly, because I had none: the best my parents had scraped up for me was – if I remember – Lego. We played with Lego day and night and built houses with the bricks and hopped the little yellow figurines around inside, their little Lego worlds accounting for squares worth forty-by-forty smaller squares and the number of bridges we could build between them. We disassembled little Lego people to see how the joints worked and switched the heads around so that a head with a little synthetic ponytail will end up on a muscle-bound torso printed with synthetic tattoes. We played little games with the little Lego people I can never remember now, but I don’t think I ever want to watch a small child play at Lego. Lego is cruel.
My first doll was a second-hand Barbie. In the days where your peers routinely expected a Cabbage Patch monstrosity or half-sized automobiles (for Ken to pick Barbie up in) for your birthday, and took them to kindergarten to show them off, this was nothing next to a cardinal sin on the part of my parents, who really didn’t approve of dolls (for reasons concerning ‘creative toys’, but heck about that!). I think they were hoping to break me out of my Barbie fetish. In any case I didn’t care – I was fascinated. I broke a comb in her hopelessly dirty tangled mane and felt at the hard little bumps on her chest, wondering why my mum was soft. Then I made her lord it over all the other toys. Then my younger brother joined in, and the games evolved from tea parties to criminal interrogations. If children are cruel to Lego they should never be allowed anywhere near a doll. Susan Hill of the didactic morals on parental guidance evidently hasn’t remembered much of her own balanced childhood.
The trauma started before I twisted the little Barbie’s head off – by accident, I swear! – but didn’t deter me from asking for another doll, a brand-new one this time, because I knew something was wrong with the one I had – which I’d attributed to it’s second-hand-ness. Of course that didn’t solve what was really wrong, which stayed at large and elusive until it came back years after I’d completely forgotten about it. My mother wouldn’t buy me one I wanted, in a blue-purple taffeta ball dress, for some lame reason which I dismissed out of hand but complied with because one doll was better than pissing her off and getting no doll. (I thought.) So I got my new doll. It came in wholesome pink and white and had legs so varnished that they shone. This new alpha female had a catfight with the old and loved-off model the moment she came home: the old one lost on account of her head being lying somewhere in the depths of the toy-box, under an avalanche’s worth of discarded Lego. Then in a year I entered Primary Four and suddenly I had no time any more for toys. The crushing homework, the first computer game that ever saw the interior of my family’s apartment and new classroom politics put toys out of my mind for ever. I never even noticed when my mother got rid of them – but she must have, because they’re not anywhere any more. In fact if I came across my old doll’s head by itself on the floor now I’d scream. And never stop.
I first saw the Sims when I was twelve. To show off the game functions my friend made a whole family of Sims, built them a house, filled it with a fireplace and flammable stuff, put them in and removed the door. So the all the idiots died. (None of them even thought of opening a window to jump out.) What is relevant about this scenario is that we were manipulating them and their brief lives, yes, in what must seemingly be in a more godlike way, made real through the screen and the then-excellent graphics. But it still felt less real than twisting the head off a doll. I mean it. After all, I had two dolls, and. And.
It took me a decade to realise that neither doll had name. They were just 'The Barbie'. Not a real name, just a brand, something poor Mattel's daughter will have to live down.
Why the sudden soliloquy? – I’ve just watched Ghost in the Shell: Innocence. It is not a good anime to watch just a week before your first final exam, but here I go again, tempting fate. (Admittedly, the first first final exam is KI of all things, but that's irrelevant considering how all the other subjects are piled up behind it.) It didn’t put new questions into my mind on the subject of dolls – not hardly – it merely reawakened old ones… I wish I had a guardian angel to warn me whenever I skid past the sign on the rink that says ‘thin ice’. My mind is like an ice floe it has safe spots, weak spots, spots with holes in it for fishing and spots in which the smallest and most unsuspecting mosquito could sit on and probably shatter.
Why am I talking about dolls? – because dolls are the most anthropomorphic – personifications (ha!) – of people I have at hand. Because we train children to grow up with dolls to inflict with our desires, our beastiality and most faithful fear: we teach them to be children at dolls, because dolls can’t fight back. Puppets can’t fight back. A puppet sitting among its tangled strings, limp and hooked in unnatural ways, is a terrifying sight. A puppet being openly manipulated across the stage in a show is slightly more bearable only mostly because the terror is hidden behind the story. A puppet being openly manipulated by a hand to do horrible things to itself is fodder for a recurring nightmare. Shit, that I think of it means I have to wish I’d better not actually dream about it, because if I do at this critical period I am going to start screaming in the middle of my math promos. And never stop.
Why are all religions so fanatically sacrificial? In multi-cultural Singapore I see masochism everywhere I walk. People staple themselves all over with huge long pins and carry pretty portable pavilions on them which must weigh like hell; people walk on fire; people slaughter goats ceremoniously; people are nailed onto crosses. In fact in the Month of the Hungry Ghost it is said that people used to sacrifice a pair of young children to the fire to pay company to the deceased so their ancestors won’t get lonely. Now they are replaced with effigies of cheap papier clothes and cheap gold leaf and rouge’d cheeks that rubs your fingers red and black eyes, black eyes that put the fear of death in you, if they are all you are going to receive after you die, and Mamoru Oshii must have had seen a ceremony like that as well because he put it in his movie. He knows. He has the benefit of age and experience over me and so he is overwhelming; at the same time given the proof of his existence I can’t help but believe that there are other people around the world who feel the same.
And this is why this is on my blog. You can slap me with a jail term for bureaucratically-defined general disillusionment. I am telling my truth.
Fake-drawn children’s faces ashing, curling in fantastic curlicues from the edges in, revealing their paper vulnerability before they are altogether burnt: in the roaring wavering of flame their eaten bodies seem to writhe, and this is why they are consigned to fire of all things – through the fire we see the way to heck. This is the way in which they travel; the flakes in the sky are merely the flesh.
This is what I imagine in my head if I ever voice out my objections.
Me: *$&#@!
Mother: Shhh! Be quiet! (cue cursory threats of impending pain.) Be quiet! (giving up.) Shut up!
Me: But it’s -ing horrible! Stop it!
Mother: It’s traditional!
Me: I want to go home!
Mother: It’s not over yet! Show some respect to your grandmother!
Me: BUT THEY’RE THROWING KIDS INTO THE FIRE!
Mother: They’re not real kids! They’re ten bucks from the store down the road! They were made in a factory!
You have no idea how horrified I would be by the time I get to this part. Unless you do.
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A quote from the movie: “
We weep for a bird's cry, but not for a fish's blood. Blessed are those with voice. If the dolls also had voices, no doubt they would have screamed: ‘I didn't want to become human.’”
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And a poem from me.
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BARBIE
When I was midway little I possessed the one doll.
When you have only the one there is no need for a
name.
She had too many shoes but one dress: the one in which she came,
Her long hair blonde and ready-brushed to a frenzied cotton-boll,
With silky spider legs rose-tanned, with breasts that came to points,
Cool cerise lipstick chipping off a bleached, clenched smile,
Enbalmed in plastic brilliance that made it hard to revile
The fact that she was a little… faulty at the joints.
I’d lavish hours on her alone regardless of the time,
In toy-gatherings of parties heaped with plastic foods sublime:
Shove gorgeous silver dancing shoes upon her stilted feet
And dream up her Prince Charming just to make the waltz complete –
And when I twist her head of (in accident!) and can’t fix her after all,
She was packed in separate boxes, and hid behind the wall.
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